The Style Invitational Week 966 Call it Inkremental
Change
By Pat Myers,
RUSH; lush; lust; lost; lout;
gout; glut; SLUT.
This week’s
contest was inspired by the example above, which was an entry by the Amazing
Loser Chris Doyle for Week 961, that contest asked entrants to write something
in which all the words had the same number of letters. Here’s how we’ll do it: Start with any word or name,
and create a series of words that change by one letter at a time (it’s up to
you how long the series is), until you come up with a related word or name. The
middle words should relate to the end words or relate to the preceding word.
Changing by one letter means you may also add a letter to the word, or drop a
letter, in a given step.
Winner gets the new Style Invitational
trophy, the Inkin’ Memorial, an exceedingly dignified Lincoln Memorial-statue
bobblehead. Second place receives a little tin of the world’s most tightly
folded Uh Oh . . . Emergency Underpants (“Always ready to use!”),
donated — unused — by Amanda Yanovitch. Britney Spears is under court order to
carry these at all times.
Other runners-up win their
choice of a coveted Style Invitational Loser T-shirt, a yearned-for Loser Mug
or the brand-new, yet-to-be-designed but surely hotly desired Grossery Bag, a
lightweight tote. Honorable mentions get a lusted-after Loser magnet. First
Offenders get a smelly, tree-shaped air “freshener” (Fir Stink for their first
ink). E-mail entries to losers@washpost.com or fax to 202-334-4312. Deadline is
Monday, April 16; results published May 6 (online May 4). No more than 25
entries per entrant per week. Include “Week 966” in your e-mail subject line or
it might be ignored as spam. Include your real name, postal address and phone
number with your entry. See contest rules and guidelines at
washingtonpost.com/styleinvitational. The subhead for this week’s honorable
mentions is by Judy Blanchard; the alternate “next week” headline is by Tom
Witte. Join the Style Invitational Devotees on Facebook at on.fb.me/invdev.
Report from Week 962, our perennial contest in which we asked you to choose a sentence
appearing in The Post that week and to write a question that it might be the
answer to: Fabulous results as usual; there were many more fine ones than could
fit on a single reasonable list.
The winner of the Inker
A. “We’re working our way
happily and steadily through the process of production.”
Q. What did the mechanical
engineer reply when his mother-in-law said, “We hope you’ll soon make us proud
grandparents”? (Cathy Lamaze, North Potomac, Md.)
2. Winner of the personal
journal made of cow-dung paper: A. “I support it.”
Q. Senator, are you a cat or
a dog person? (Dave Prevar, Annapolis, Md.)
3. A. “Your family gives you,
hopefully, roots and wings.”
What was the opening diary
entry of a Donner Party pioneer? (Sue Lin Chong, Baltimore)
4. A. But please, don’t mess
with the kebabs.
Q. In the Beirut airport
security line, what’s the equivalent saying of “Don’t touch my junk”? (Brendan
Beary, Great Mills, Md.)
Q & Eh: Honorable mentions
A. It happened more than a
quarter-century ago, at the start of a Romney family summer vacation.
Q. When is the last time
anyone saw Mitt’s hair move? (Mark Richardson, Washington)
A. “I’m interested in
distinctly engaging the histories of the paper bag.”
Q. What statement led
analysts to question Jon Huntsman’s debating abilities? (Barry Koch, Catlett,
Va.)
A. You don’t hear it when you
step off the train.
Q. How do you stop the
bride’s cussing during the wedding ceremony? (Beverley Sharp, Montgomery, Ala.)
A. The potential was there,
but the ends were loose.
Q. Dr. Oz, was your all-fiber
diet successful? (Mike Ostapiej, Mount Pleasant, S.C.)
A. “We compare all the teams
irregardless of what conference they come from.”
Q. Mr. Head Judge, why do you
think criticism of the National Grammar and Word Usage Championships is
unfounded? (Roy Ashley, Washington)
A. “As we get those, we take
them out.”
Q. Do you treat anti-gun
protesters outside your NRA meetings with respect? (Dave Prevar)
A. The release of employment
numbers by the Bureau of Labor Statistics has long been a ritual in Washington.
Q: Hi, I’m new to D.C. and I
was wondering what fun things there are to do on a weeknight around here.
(Christopher Lamora, Arlington, Va.)
A. White-nose was detected in
Alabama on March 2 and confirmed two days later.
Q: Now that mimes have
escaped from their invisible boxes, how far have they spread? (Gary Crockett,
Chevy Chase, Md.)
A: “We’ll call it a tie,
because I don’t want to make him look bad.”
Q: Mr. Gingrich, how do you
plan to concede the race to Mr. Romney? (David Genser, Poway, Calif.)
A. “He would get under our
bed and shake it, yelling, ‘Earthquake!’ Earthquake!’ ”
Q. Why did you suspect your
husband didn’t understand the concept of foreplay? (Randy Lee, Burke, Va.)
A. It’s a two-man race.
Q. How did Cain break the
news about Abel’s death to Eve? (Russell Beland, Fairfax, Va.)
A: It rose about 15 feet,
lifted the ocean and tipped the Pacific’s waters onto the Japanese coast.
Q: What did Godzilla do after
seeing his daughter’s cellphone bill? (Arika Seymour, Clarksburg, Md., a First
Offender)
A. “Then two 40-gallon trash
cans.”
Q: “Mr. Putin, the votes for
your opponents are overflowing this 40-gallon trash can. What should I do?”
(Mike Gips, Bethesda, Md.)
A. As James demonstrates how
to make a cucumber roll, the room goes silent.
Q. What makes you think
today’s kids are so physics-challenged, they don’t even know how a cylinder
moves? (Brendan Beary)
A. They do.
Q. What did Warren Jeffs
always say at his weddings? (Kevin Dopart, Washington)
A. “I run for like an hour
and a half a day.”
Q: Joe Biden’s brain, to what
do you attribute your longevity? (Richard Wong, Derwood, Md.)
A. You’re a hard
worker, and you’ll be a harder player.
Q. What
advertising slogan did Viagra reject? (Chris Doyle, Ponder, Tex.)
A. “One of the great
blessings I’ve had in every political campaign is people underestimate me,
people underestimate what God can do.”
Q. How has Rick Santorum
portrayed his humility to voters? (Dixon Wragg, Santa Rosa, Calif.)
A. It’s very rare to find a
continuous curved plane like that.
Q. Why is there so much
excitement about Boeing’s new Frisbee-shaped aircraft? (Mae Scanlan, Washington)
A. There will be nearly 200
special guests, including 75 filmmakers.
Q. What’s unusual about
Snooki’s maternity room plans? (Jeff Contompasis, Ashburn, Va.)
A. If you go on a weekend,
you can see the cockroach races.
Q: What ad slogan for New York
City hotels isn’t faring well? (Barry Koch)
A. They will bring in 27
talk-radio hosts who broadcast to 48 states.
Q. What was uncovered as the
Taliban’s ultimate plan for the destruction of America? (Rick Haynes, Boynton
Beach, Fla.)
A. These are things you can
look for in others.
Q. What are faults? (Dixon
Wragg)
A. An urgent return to the
religion and the metaphysical realism of the West, combined with the promotion
of free market economies and a sound political foundation.
Q: What is NOT an accurate
plot summary of “The Hangover, Part 2”? (Christopher Lamora)
A: Imagine our
disappointment.
Q: Fellow Tiger Moms, what
should we make our children do to work harder? (Kevin Dopart)
A: Airline industry officials
said incidents such as Friday’s are extremely rare.
Q: Your plane got into
National on time, your luggage wasn’t crushed, and your car wasn’t blocked by a
limo with diplomatic plates — jeez, what are the chances? (Frank Mullen III,
Aledo, Ill.)
A. The green bubble takes you
through a region with lots of economic problems.
Q. What futuristic method of
travel did young Mitt Romney imagine to help rich people float through bad
parts of town? (Amanda Yanovitch, Midlothian, Va.) [The writer was describing a
wooded bike trail.]
A. Should she become first
lady, Romney told Parade magazine last fall, she would certainly bring horses
to the White House lawn.
Q. Why are large boxes
strapped to the tops of Ann Romney’s Cadillacs? (Frank Osen, Pasadena, Calif.)
A. “Sex is popular.”
Q. Why will Rick Santorum
never get elected president? (Ira Allen, Bethesda, Md.)
A. “There are Republican
women out there who believe in our issues.”
Q. Do you think there’s
really a market for a “Conservative Sperm Bank”? (Judy Blanchard, Novi, Mich.)
A. “I don’t know how it got
to this point, but I got to get out of it somehow.”
Q: How could you possibly
have mixed up your “male-enhancement” pump with a pencil sharpener? (Larry
Gray, Union Bridge, Md.)
A. They interviewed key
players and reviewed more than 328,000 pages of records to reach their
conclusions.
Q. Why were the Post
sportswriters upset when the Style intern who chose the teams with the coolest
uniforms beat them in the March Madness office pool? (Pam Sweeney, Burlington,
Mass.)
A. He did offer to stay.
Q: After condemnation by most
of the world, what concession did Bashar al-Assad offer? (Howard Walderman,
Columbia, Md.)
A. It’s a negative feedback
loop.
Q. What’s a good euphemism
for a noose? (Kevin Dopart)
A. “We just allowed him to get
to the rim time after time after time.”
Q: Why did the Grand Canyon
rangers make you put your kid on a leash? (Beverley Sharp)
A: “Sooner or later, one of
’em has to work, right?”
Q: How does Congress plan to
combat current unemployment issues? (Steven Seymour, Clarksburg, Md.)
And Last: A.
“There must have been either the grossest treachery, or the most inconceivable
imbecility, and very likely a mixture of both.”
Q. How did all of my
brilliant Style Invitational entries get overlooked yet again? (Mark
Richardson)
Next week: The Overlap Dance, or The Moniker Mash
Still running — deadline
Monday night! Our annual breed-the-horses contest.